Ohio Supreme Court confirms that Cleveland's elected officials are morons

By Ken Hanson, Esq.

In a 5-2 decision, the Ohio Supreme Court has recently affirmed that Cleveland's elected officials, at least those not under indictment and awaiting trial on multiple felony charges, are jackasses.

The case arose as the result of Cleveland's arguments in favor of the authority of municipalities to regulate firearms. Writing for the five justice majority, Justice Stratton wrote "What, are you guys really that stupid? We said you were wrong three years ago, and no means no. Now you are back? Get that weak crap out of here."

Writing for the minority, Justice Pfeifer wrote "I still cannot believe that they let me run as an alleged conservative Republican. I mean damn, my judicial philosophy, when it isn't completely random, is to the left of Karl Marx. WTF is the Ohio Republican Party thinking?"

Joining in Pfeifer's dissent is Eric "I really, really need a job" Brown. Recently excluded from consideration for an appointment to the lowest court in Columbus, Brown commented "I was kinda, sorta qualified while at the same time way over qualified to be a municipal judge. Just look at the number of times I was in a dissent of one or two during my several months on the Ohio Supreme Court. You just cannot buy that type of irrelevlance."

Cleveland officials clung to a ray of hope in the Ohio Supreme Court's decision, wherein the court ordered the Cleveland appellate court to re-consider the "single subject" objections contained in Cleveland's brief. As the Supreme Court said, "We feel, by making the appellate court rule against Cleveland's peyote-induced arguments, will be teaching an important lesson to the remnants of Cleveland's political machine. And that lesson is 'Cleveland is still part of Ohio, bitches.'"

Two months later, the Cleveland appellate court dismissed the "single subject" arguments Cleveland raised, stating "Even though we directly benefit from patronage jobs from the Cleveland political machine, we cannot continue to risk our law-licenses by coming up with convoluted, absurd reasons to agree with Cleveland's legal arguments. At some point we just are tired of looking like the third string judiciary."

Ken Hanson, a gun nut attorney, was contacted for his feedback on this court decision. Hanson said, "The really sad thing is that there is enough in this story that mirrors real life that readers are still trying to figure out if the story is true or an April Fools joke."

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