“Turn Tail and Run” Law Proposed

Editor's Note: We typically reserve our satirical posts for April Fool's Day, but this one is too good to pass up.

by Evan F. Nappen

Washington, D.C. - Senator Lousenburg (D. NJ) has filed the "Turn Tail and Run" (TTR) bill in the U.S. Senate which, if passed, would preempt ALL State "Stand Your Ground" (SYG) laws. The new bill would impose a national duty to retreat at all times when one encounters a criminal threat or is about to become a victim of violent crime. New York City Mayor Bloomingidiot has made passage of the "TTR" a centerpiece of his national "Second Chance at Shoot First" campaign. The mayor heartily approved of TTR, especially since bodyguards of celebrities, VIP’s, and political figures were exempted.

When the President was asked about TTR at a recent press conference he expressed his eager support. He said "Great Britain has long banned self defense" and "Americans need to be brave, like Sir Robin." The President then quoted a passage from the classic British tale of Sir Robin:

He further pointed out four simple rules of how TTR would apply:

1) You are criminally attacked, run away!
2) You see others being criminally attacked, run away!
3) You are threatened with violent crime, run away!
4) You see others being threatened with violent crime, run away!

The President illustrated these simple rules as follows, "So for example, if you are mugged in the street, attacked by a rapist, threatened with a deadly weapon, or confronted by a burglar in your home, be brave and run away! If you see others facing such threats, be brave and run away!"

He further commented that TTR is a proud American tradition that helped us win our independence, "We, as Americans, need to remember the example set by Captain Parker at Lexington Green in 1775 when he bravely said to his fellow Minutemen, "Turn tail and run. Don't fire even if fired upon. If they mean to have a war, let it begin somewhere else."

Attorney Evan Nappen, Esq. is the General Counsel and one of the five corporate Directors of Pro-Gun New Hampshire, Inc. (www.PGNH.org). He is President of E.F. Nappen Attorney at Law PC in Concord, New Hampshire, and is the author of the book New Hampshire Gun, Knife, and Weapon Law.