Big City Schools Ask for More Money; Voters Are Shocked!

COLUMBUS, OHIO - The Newton, CT school shootings were a tragedy. Nationwide, the debate has ignited over what to do in response to these shootings. In response, big-city school districts have dismissed arming teachers in favor of more anti-bullying programs, locked doors, door buzzers, security cameras, "no guns" signs, gun bans, candle-light vigils and a supply of sacrificial animals as an offering to appease angry spirits.

"School safety is not cheap, but what cost do you put on a child's life?" asked Columbus Superintendent Gene Harris. "When will the Ohio General Assembly finally establish an equitable system of school funding, a system that will allow Columbus schools to have as many "no guns" signs and door buzzers as New Albany?"

When asked about arming teachers, a security provision that is budget neutral, Harris dismissed the idea. "More guns are not the answer. We need more "no guns" signs and anti-bullying programs, and we need them now."

Dr. Antoinette Errante, a professor in Ohio State University's College of Education and Human Ecology, echoed this thought. "Arming teachers merely contributes to the culture of violence in America. My research indicates that throwing a goat into the nearest volcano and then lighting candles around an altar consecrated around a "no guns" sign is far more effective than quickly killing the deranged lunatic shooting the kids."

Harris lamented, "Given our tight budget, we are hard-pressed to afford candles, much less a supply of chickens to appease angry gods. According to an internal study, we need at least 450 more "no guns" signs to really upgrade our school security. That is why we are asking the voters to approve a school security levy this August."

Ken Hanson, a gun nut attorney, was contacted for his feedback on this move. Hanson said, "The really sad thing is that there is enough in this story that mirrors real life that readers are still trying to figure out if the story is true or an April Fools joke."

Ken Hanson is a gun rights attorney in Ohio. He serves as the Legislative Chair for Buckeye Firearms Association, and is the attorney of record for Buckeye Firearms Foundation, which filed friend-of-the-court briefs in the Heller and McDonald Supreme Court cases. The National Rifle Association's Institute for Legislative Action (NRA-ILA) has awarded him with its 2008 Defender of Justice Award and 2009 Jay M. Littlefield Volunteer of the Year Award. He is the author of The Ohio Guide to Firearm Laws, a certified firearms instructor and holds a Type 01 Federal Firearms License.