Op-Ed: It’s Time For Some Gun-Rich Zones

Sometimes a bit of humor is just as effective at making a point as are serious discourses on violent crime statistics or criminal protection zone robberies...

American Handgunner
September/October 2004

By John Conner

I’ve just about had it with this “Gun-Free Zone” crap, you know? True, I live in a fairly sissy-rich environment but, usually, the only visible effects are too many restaurants with “Chez” in their names, dogs with designer haircuts and guys wearing magenta polo shirts. I’m not sure what magenta looks like, really, but I’d bet some of those shirts are it. Mauve, too. But lately I’ve noticed and even more troubling trend. You’ve seen these little round signs with a gun and a circle and a diagonal line through it and it says “This Is A Gun-Free Zone”? And it’s like they’re proud of that or something! I’m seein’ more and more of those and it’s bothering me.

They’ve also got these little huggie-children signs proclaiming that it’s a “Child-Safe Place,” where kids in trouble can run to get help. Now, guess what? I’m seein’ places with both those kinda signs! What in heck is that about? A “Child-Safe Place in a “Gun-Free Zone”?

Real Safe Havens

When my kids were little, I taught ‘em the two best places to run for help were police stations and gun shops. If the trouble they were running from was Large & Lethal, I knew either one of those places were full of folks who’d be armed, alert and prepared to go to General Quarters to protect a child from any harm. What kinda help do you think they could get in a Gun-Free Child-Safe Place?

“Ooohh, come hide with me in the corner, dearie! We’ll weep uncontrollably together and if necessary, we’ll grovel and beg for mercy!” Yeah, that’s where I want my kid going. Mahatma Gandhi was a really nice guy, but not my first choice for my kids’ bodyguard. If my stand-in has to be a guy in sandals, I’d prefer it was Spartacus. At least he had a sword and an attitude.

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Not so long ago, you could even tell your kid to run into a bar if somebody mean was after ‘em. You were virtually assured there would be at least a couple of men in there quaffing boilermakers who would be just tickled pink to defend a scared kid. In fact, there was a guaranteed butt-whuppin’ involved, generally happening to the next dude who came through the door. Might be the wrong guy. Might even be several wrong guys. But there would be two absolute results: (1) butt-whuppin’ (s), and (2) a safe, happy child sittin’ on a bar enjoying a frosty 7-Up.

Re-Zoning

In my experience, these “Gun-Free Zones” are usually freely roamed by dopers, carjackers, ganbangers and assorted thugs, all armed to the teeth, plus mass-murderers creepin’ around lookin’ for masses to murder. They know where the easy prey is. After all, those gun-free signs even have graphics to accommodate illiterate crooks. The only folks unarmed are the law-abiding types.

In fact, when you look at the mass shootings occurring in the U.S., over the past several years, just about all of ‘em have happened in supposedly gun-free areas. That’s just wrong, guys.

I think what we need are some “Gun-Rich Zones.”

Like, wouldn’t you really rather do your grocery shopping in a supermarket with a big sign saying “This Is A Gun-Rich Zone! Legal Concealed-Carry Customers Welcome!”? Maybe another sign below it could read, “Notice To Scum-bags: Every Employee, From the Manager To The Kid Who Mops Up The Mess In Aisle 14, Is Armed And A Cume Laude Graduate Of the FunThunder Academy Of Crook-Capping.”

Bowling alleys that are posted Gun-Rich Zones could actively cater to the Carry-Crowd. I can see gun-oriented bowling teams like the Kimber Kidz, the Springfield Sillies, the Less Huggy-Baers, the Rockin’ Glocksters an’ SIG-Piggies and Colt Ponies and…Okay, smart guys, you dream up some names. I don’t even bowl. Even when I do, it ain’t really “bowling”, you know? But if I could carry openly and not have to hide my Roscoe under a bowling shirt, I’d take up the sport.

How ‘bout a “Gun-Rich Zone” restaurant? Wouldn’t you be comfy eatin’ at the Smith & Wesson Supper Club, “Armed Citizens Always Welcome”? The Ruger Rangehouse Restaurant? I’d even try the CZ BBQ, featuring fine ribs and chops with a European flair. Well, maybe not. But you get the idea. Bet you one thing, folks: There’d be no snail-like service and NO snotty waiters. Customer service always seems to improve when there’s ordinance on your hip.

If I owned a bar – maybe the Beretta Bar & Grille – I’d love to post a sign outside for crooks reading, “Everybody In This Place Is Presumed Heavily Armed & Drinking. One In Every Four Is Having Ginger Ale, Because They’re Our Designated Hitters. You Guess Which Ones.” For the first time, you’d have pals volunteering to abstain, just on the off-chance…

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Lotsa’ Shots

Oh, sure, there would be press. Oh, yeah, and it would be bad. I can see the headlines full of dire predictions like, “Slaughter While Shopping!” and “Mayhem At The Mall! and crap like that. And just like all those rivers-of-blood-in-the-streets predictions when the concealed-carry wave washed over most of the U.S., they’d be wrong.

We – the Gun-Rich Zone movement – would just have to explain that it’s a bold social experiment, just like “Gun-Free Zones” were a bold social experiment. They failed, so why can’t we give it a shot? Or lotsa shots?

One thing we need is the right graphic for our signs. I’m sure there’s some graphic artists out there among our readers. Shoot your bst to me at [email protected] and I’ll check ‘em out. Meantime, if you see me on the street, just presume that I’m a Mobile Gun-Rich Zone, okay?>br?